GARY C. RAMSEYER'S FIRST INTERNET GALLERY OF STATISTICS JOKES BY TOPIC

They say that it's no coincidence that the University of California at Berkeley is the home of both UNIX and LSD. What does it say about statisticians that Sir Ronald Fisher gave LSD to them 40 years before anyone ever heard of Timothy Leary?

*Thanks to John Gear for relating this little known fact. My answer to this question is that statisticians had their "acid heads" far sooner than the Berkeley campus.

Three statisticians approached St. Peter at the pearly gates to Heaven. St. Pete in a kind and gentle voice instructed them to give their name and state what they had contributed to mankind while on earth.

The first statistician stepped up confidently and said, "I am Karl Pearson and I developed the famous correlation coefficient at the start of the 20th century and it has been used by multitudes of researchers for almost 100 years."

St. Pete nodded and said, "Oh yes, that was a monumental contribution to statistics and the world. You may pass through."

The second statistician planted both feet firmly and said in a cocky fashion, "I am Sir Ronald Fisher and I founded the entire area of experimental design in the 1920's and multitudes of researchers have used these techniques for about 70 years."

St. Pete smiled broadly and said "That indeed was a landmark breakthrough in statistics and contributed to the betterment of mankind. You may also walk through the gates."

The third statistician hesitated but finally walked up slowly to St. Peter. He said timidly, "I am Joe Schmutz and I taught the Vice President who was a very reserved man several dance steps that he used in a well-known political TV commercial."

St. Pete with a puzzled look on his face stared at the man and said, "That is all well and good sir but it has absolutely nothing to do with statistics and I fail to see how your action has helped mankind."

The poor statistician thought for a second. He then quickly retorted, "But St. Peter.... These steps became the famous AL-GORE-RHYTHM that helped win the Presidential election in the year 2000!!....."

*I confess this is one of my originals. It is not intended to be a political joke.

Who is the most famous Statistician?

George Washington. He claimed he never told a lie and got away with it!

*This is a cute little twist on an old standard. My thanks go out to Hal Ashburner from down under in Sydney, Australia for sending me this nifty little tweek.

Two world famous statisticians and a not so famous statistician were slowly wandering on the ancient land between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. All three were tired and their faces were aged and wrinkled from their long productive and exhaustive careers. Each wanted to show the others where the steel cache of his most celebrated work was buried in the sand. The first, R. A. Fisher located his marker and dug with trembling hands a six-foot hole and found his treasure...a reinforced heavy box containing sheet after sheet of journal studies using his Least Significant Difference (LSD) technique. All three smiled smugly and celebrated with muffled mumblings. The second, J. W. Tukey led the weary men about a mile further and spotted his marker. He dug furiously with every ounce of strength he could muster another six-foot hole. To no one's surprise, his prize box was uncovered with published paper after paper of results using his Honestly Significant Difference (HSD) method. All three again smiled smugly and celebrated with muffled mumblings. The group was now staggering in the sand and suffering severe thirst from the desert heat. However, the third statistician known only as Winsor, pleaded with the other two to go just a ways further. They reluctantly agreed and sure enough after a half mile, Winsor became elated and THOUGHT he spotted his marker. He began to slowly claw and toss the sand aside. After three hours he reached the six-foot depth ... but no cache. His mottled face was sweating from fatigue but he continued for another six feet...but alas, no cache. Winsor's body was now shaking violently from exhaustion but he insisted on going a final six feet (Eighteen feet in all). He pawed and flailed for six more hours and finally collapsed at the bottom ot the hole...but no hint of a cache. At the top of the hole Fisher and Tukey lay prostrate. They choked and sputtered obsenities for several minutes. Applications of the Winsorized Major Difference procedure were nowhere to be found!

The Lesson of This Story: NO WMD'S COULD BE FOUND....IT WAS ALL A MIRAGE!!!!

*I must admit to taking full responsibility for this unsettling tale. Isn't it strange that all the LSD's and HSD's were found but nary a WMD? Poor Winsor should have focused on his truncated distributions rather than attempt to produce WMD's!!

"The best thing about being a statistician," J.W. Tukey once told a colleague, "is that you get to play in everyone's backyard."

The colleague retorted, "But Professor Tukey, that is why a statistician is considered a Peeping-Tom by many guardians of sensitive data in the world!!!!"

*The first statement is an actual quote. The second is my own fictitious retort to further the humor. For a capsule version of the amazing life and astonishing contributions of one of the greatest American Statisticians that ever lived see Tukey.