Welcome To The John W. Tukey Commemorative Hall!
John W. Tukey (1915  2000) was one of the most influential statisticians of the late 20th century. Tukey taught at Princeton and created the university's statistics department. In addition to teaching, he also worked for several of the largest companies in the United States such as Merck and Xerox. In the 1950s, while working for the National Research Council, he became wellknown for his criticism of the Kinsey research on sexual behavior which he considered fundamentally flawed. Among his contributions to the field of statistics are robust analysis, stemandleaf diagrams and, with James Cooly, the Fast Fourier Transform. For additional information on John Tukey, refer to http://www.swlearning.com/quant/kohler/stat/biographical_sketches/bio15.1.html
Now displaying the humorous side of Statistics...  
101) 
ARGUING WITH A STATISTICIAN IS A LOT LIKE WRESTLING WITH A PIG. AFTER A FEW HOURS, YOU BEGIN TO REALIZE THE PIG LIKES IT. of Bedford, NH for forwarding this joke to me.

102) 
THE RELATIVE IMPORTANCE OF STATISTICS: Albert Einstein died, and found himself on the train to heaven. In his car, there were four men sitting on separate benches. He walked up to the first who said, "Hello! My name is Bob, and I have an IQ of 186." Einstein smiled brilliantly, and said "Ahhah! We shall discuss quantum physics together!"Hello, sir. My name is Edward, and my IQ is 150." Einstein smiled, replying "Excellent! We shall discuss mathematics together." Moving on, Einstein shook hands with the third man, who said, "Hello; my name is William, and my IQ is 119." Smiling again, Einstein replied "Very good! We shall talk together about European history." The last man looked up glumly as Einstein approached, and said "Hi, my name's Chuck, and my IQ's only 87." Einstein replied sadly "I see  we shall have to discuss statistics." 
103) 
A LOTTERY IS A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND STATISTICS!!

104) 
A physicist, a geologist, and a statistician are talking about whose field is the most fundamental. The geologist says his is because it starts with the creation of the Earth. The physicist says his is the most fundamental because his field starts with the chaos in the universe even before the Earth was formed. The statistician smugly says, "And who do you think caused the chaos?"

105) 
A researcher asked an experienced statistician what procedure should be used to obtain the correlation between two normally distributed variables that were artificially dichotomized. Why did the researcher suddenly rush from the statistician's office and run straight to the pharmacy to buy a bottle of carbon tet cleaning fluid? The statistician told him a TETRACHORIC SOLUTION was appropriate for his problem!!

106) 
Why are the mean, median, and mode like a valuable piece of real estate? LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!

107) 
Why did the statistician do such a horrid job of laying tile on his bathroom floor? He incorrectly PARTITIONED SOME OF THE SQUARES!! !

108) 
Why did the Statisticians trounce the Accountants by a score of 56  0in their annual football game? The Statisticians employed a BALANCED DESIGN in their offense and effectively used risk in their playbook whereas the Accountants ran only one play ENDRUN and kept risk entirely OFF their PLAYBOOK!!!

109) 
A young woman is telling her friend about a new man she is dating. The friend says, "What does he do for a living?" "He's a statistician," the first girl replies. "A statistician? Wallowing in numbers all day? He must be awfully boring!" says the friend. "Weell," says the first girl defensively, "It's not the numbers that matter. I love what he does with them." 
110) 
A friend of mine told me the other day that my statistics students must really hate me. The friend informed me that a student complained to him that my last test was so hard that EVERYONE scored below the mean and even the standard deviation was NEGATIVE! The student, however, told my friend he was a wee bit optimistic. His score was so low that he just knew that it would regress toward the mean on the next test!!

111) 
Why were so many CEOs who held doctorates in accounting fired in 2002 from their companies? They used "COOKBOOK" texts in the their stat courses and decided to practice their "DOCTORING" skills!!

112) 
Did you hear about the time Pearson was caught for talking out of turn at a statistical conference about discordant relationships? I guess he was accused of taking Yule's Q!

113) 
Who is the most famous Statistician? George Washington. He claimed he never told a lie and got away with it!

114) 
Did you hear about the eccentric Statistics Professor that ran frantically through a hotel lobby wearing only Jockey briefs with a cell phone in one hand? He was desperately looking for bathrobe. His stock broker had just called him and warned him to COVER HIS SHORTS!!!!

115) 
What's black, brown and red and looks good on a Statistics Professor? A Doberman.

116) 
A patient asked his surgeon what the odds were of him surviving an impending operation. The doctor replied they were 50/50 but he'd be all right because the first fifty had already died!

117) 
STATISTICS IS THE TAMING OF RANDOMNESS.

118) 
A statistics professor was completing what he thought was a very inspiring lecture on the importance of significance testing in today's world. A young nursing student in the front row sheepishly raised her hand and said, "But sir, why do nurses have to take statistics courses?" The professor thought for a few seconds and replied, "Young lady, statistics save lives!" The nursing student was utterly surprised and after a short pause restored, "But sir, please tell us how statistics saves lives!" "Well," the professor's voice grew loud and somewhat angry, "STATISTICS KEEPS ALL THE IDIOTS OUT OF THE NURSING PROFESSION!!!"

119) 
A consulting statistician and his client sat down together for the first time. Client: "I desperately need your help interpreting the significant threeway interaction in this factorial ANOVA. What are your fees?" Statistician: "One hundred dollars for three questions." Client: "Isn't that a little steep?" Statistician: "Not really! Now what is your third question?" 
120) 
The statistician was asked by his friend why he always used the urinal on the far end. He replied: "Oh, that is a no brainer. There is half the probability of being sprayed by someone else."

121) 
A statistics professor dies and so the test scheduled for that day is cancelled. A student rings the department at 5 minute intervals to ask if the test is on. the guy answering the phone asks him, "Why the bloody hell are you ringing so often? I've told you 16 times the professor has passed away! What are you doing, some sort of research, are you experimenting on me? What the bloody hell is it?" "Nah, the student replies, no research. I just like to hear you say it."

122) 
How many tents will a campground hold? Ten tenths since that adds up to a whole!!!

123) 
What do you call a tea party with more than 30 people? A Z party!!!

124) 
"It has now been proven beyond a doubt that smoking is the major cause of statistics."  Author Unknown uh? It seems to me that I recall hearing another version of this statement. However, this certainly supports my opening paragraph in the Gallery that gazillions of statistics are created every day. Many thanks to Michele McIndoe for sending me this quote.

125) 
Two random variables were gossiping and thought they were discrete by whispering but I heard their chatter continuously.

126) 
Two world famous statisticians and a not so famous statistician were slowly wandering on the ancient land between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. All three were tired and their faces were aged and wrinkled from their long productive and exhaustive careers. Each wanted to show the others were the steel cache of his most celebrated work was buried in the sand. The first, R.A. Fisher located his marker and dug with trembling hands a sixfoot hole and found his treasure...a reinforced heavy box containing sheet after sheet of journal studies using his Least Significant Difference (LSD) technique. All three smiled smugly and celebrated with muffled mumbling. The second, J.W. Tukey led the weary men about a mile further and spotted his marker. He dug furiously with every ounce of strength he could must another sixfood hole. To no one's surprise, his prize box was uncovered with published paper after paper of results using his Honestly Significant Difference (HSD) method. All three again smiled smugly and celebrated with muffled mumbling. The group was now staggering in the sand and suffering severe muffled mumbling. The group was now staggering in the sand and suffering severe thirst from the desert heat. However, the third statistician known only as Winsor, pleaded with the other two to go just a ways further. They reluctantly agreed and sure enough after a half mile, Winsor became elated and THOGUTH he spotted his marker. He began to slowly claw and toss the sand aside. After three hours he reached the sixfoot depth...but no cache. His mottled face was seating from fatigue but he continued for another six feet...but alas, no cache. Winsor's body was now shaking violently from exhaustion but he insisted on going a final six feet (eighteen feet in all). He pawed and flailed for six more hours and finally collapsed at the bottom of the hole...but no hint of a cache. At the top of the hole Fisher and Tukey lay prostrate. They choked and sputtered obscenities for several minutes. Applications of the Winsorized Major Difference Procedure were nowhere to be found! The Lesson Of This Story: NO WMD'S COULD BE FOUND....IT WAS ALL A MIRAGE!!!!

127) 
Day of the quiz:: Professor: "OK students, you have fifteen minutes to plot the bivariate distribution between A and B, fifteen minutes to compute the correlation between A and B, and 5 SECONDS to compute the kurtosis of B." One student stands up very worried: "Excuse me Professor, how can we possibly compute a kurtosis in 5 SECONDS?" The Professor looks at the class very reassuring: "No need to be worried, kids, IT TAKES ONLY A MOMENT!!"

128) 
Why did the statistician take Viagra? Since his sample was large, he did not want to be rejected with a small p=value and be declared practically nonsignificant!! 
129) 
A statistics professor was describing sampling theory to his class, explaining how a sample can be studied and used to generalize to a population. One of the student in the back of the room kept shaking his head. "What's the matter?" asked the professor. "I don't believe it," said the student, "why not study the whole population in the first place?" The professor continued explaining the ideas of random and representative samples. The student still shook his head. The professor launched into the mechanics of proportional stratified samples, randomized cluster sampling, the standard error of the mean, and the central limit theorem. The student remained unconvinced saying, "Too much theory, too risky, I couldn't trust just a few numbers in place of ALL of them." Attempting a more practical example, the professor then explained the scientific rigor and meticulous sample selection of the Nielsen television ratings which are used to determine how multiple millions of advertising dollars are spent. The student remained unimpressed saying, "You mean that just a sample of a few thousand can tell us exactly what over 250 MILLION people are doing?" Finally, the professor, somewhat disgruntled with the scepticism, replied, "Well, the next time you go to the campus clinic and they want to do a blood test...tell them that's not good enough...tell them to TAKE IT ALL!!"

130) 
In China, even if you are a one out of a million kind of guy,there are thousands more just like you!!

131) 
A new Ph.D statistician had just taken a position with the Bureau of Standards. one of his first tasks was to familiarize himself with the volumes of measurement standards for the vast array of objects in the world. He was immediately curious about his own profession and looked up "statistician." Among the list of physical characteristics, he came across a shocking figure...The mean weight of all statisticians in the world is 3 POUNDS. He gasped in disbelief. He thought surely this was a typographical error and that the first two digits had been omitted. Then he squinted and noticed a small asterisk by this figure. He quickly directed his eyes to the bottom of the page. He sighed a breath of relief as the footnote boldly stated, "INCLUDES URN."

132) 
What is a tripleblinded, completely randomized casecontrol clinical drug trial? One in which the patients do not know which drug treatment they are receiving, the nurses do not know which drug treatment they are administering, and the physicians conducting the study do not know what they are doing!!!

133) 
IRS statistics show that the average American now works 3 and 1/2 hours every day for the government, which comes out to 1 and 1/2 more hours than civil servants do!!

134) 
Democrats believe there is only one poll that matters...It takes place on Election Day. Republications also believe there is only one poll that matters...However, it takes place in Florida on Election Day. Statisticians regretfully throw up their hands in despair because they concede what REALLY matters is a biased poll with a sample size of nine...The members of the Supreme Court!!

135) 
A naive researcher approached a statistician one day about analyzing some data. Researcher: "How do I test the difference between four treatment group means?" Statistician: "Perform an Analysis of Variance." Researcher: "But I don't want to test the difference in the group variances!" Statistician: "You aren't! you are comparing the ratio of the variation between the group means to the combined variation within the groups to see if it is beyond chance." Researcher: "You simply don't understand. You persist in talking about variation which does not interest me in the least!" Statistician (Exasperated and Angry): "OK I have an alternative for you which is called the Inter ocular Test. Just examine any difference in the means and if it STRIKES YOU RIGHT BETWEE N THE EYSE, declare it significant!!"

136) 
A ONEWAY ANOVA shouted at a TWOWAY ANOVA: "STOP! Turn around  You are going the wrong way!" The TWOWAY ANOVA yelled back: "Sorry! I will turn when I see an interaction!"

137) 
Statistics play an important role in genetics. For instance, statistics prove that numbers of offspring is an inherited trait. If your parent didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.

138) 
Three of the Most Embarrassing Outcomes for a Statistician and Their Workarounds: (1) Result: The intercorrelations between a fairly large set of variables has exactly 5% of the coefficients that are significant at the .05 level. Solution: Try to remain upbeat. Lighten up and use the .10 level of significance and stress to the readers that these results represent an early exploratory study! (2) Result: In a 3x3x4x4x5 Factorial ANOVA the FiveWay Interaction turns up significant at the .01 level. Solution: Curse under your breath that you used a fivefactor design. Then instruct your graduate assistant to conduct FIVE FourWay ANOVAs, one for each of the five levels of the 5th independent variable, to take two aspirin, and call back in the morning! (3) Result: The Ftest for a OneWay ANOVA with five treatment groups is significant at the .05 level but NONE of the pairwise comparisons between the five means is significant. Solution: Cry hard and then work your tail off to find some obscure, meaningless complex comparison that is significant such as the average of the first three treatment means is significantly different from the average of the last two treatment means!

139) 
Variance is what any two statisticians are at. How sad because this automatically violates the assumption of homogeneity of variance. However, if the statisticians are robust then everything will work out between them.

140) 
An elderly statistician complained to a younger statistician one day that he was having a "senior moment" when he forgot what integrating the normal probability density function produced. The younger statistician said not to worry because all he had to do was to set "junior moment" on his moment generating function and it would spit out "area under the curve." The elderly statistician stared vacantly for a few seconds then confessed that this moment generating function had no such setting and suggested that the younger statistician may have also just had a "senior moment."

141) 
I don't know why people are so negative about statistics and statisticians. I'm only a firstyear student, and statistics has already taught me everything I need to know about life  always Proceed with Caution and reject H_{0}!

142) 
Three statisticians went hunting. When they arrived at the forest three deer stepped out in a line directly across from the three statisticians. The statistician on the right fired and hit his deer, then the statistician on the left fired and hit his deer. At that point the statistician in the middle said, "Well, boys, we all got our deer, let's go home!" 
143) 
You can always TELL a statistician... But you can't tell him much!!

144) 
A reader of this Gallery sent me a very amusing story... He took advantage of one of those online offers...a free credit report. He was delighted to learn that his credit rating was better than 100% of those who had received such a report...which obviously included himself. "Whoopee!!!, he exclaimed, my credit rating was better than MY OWN!!! It just doesn't get any better than that."

145) 
SOME BEHAVIORAL TRAITS OF A STATISTICIAN TO PONDER (1) Picks the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 in the State Lottery? (2) Carries a Brannock Device (The New and Improved Expert Shoe Salesperson Quiz) in his car trunk rather than a small air compressor. (3) Loves riding a roller coaster because the quick ups and downs remind him of his arm motions when drawing normal curves on the blackboard. (4) Displays fickleness when he relishes showing his class that in baseball, Pete Rose's 44game hitting streak was slightly more improvable than Joe Damietta's 56 game hitting streak but yet would vote to keep Rose out of the Hall of Fame. (5) Shows an almost exclusive preference for hypothesis testing over confidence intervals in making inferences as most applied statisticians do. But then is speechless when a student remarks, "But sir, if we reported confidence intervals then we wouldn't have to fuss with Type I and II Errors or the Power of the test!"

146) 
Why do most statistics professors at Case Wester Reserve University have a clean record, but a few get put in prison for life? There is an uncommon level of VARIANTS in the area!

147) 
THE BELL CURVE MEETS THE WELL CURVE BELL: Fancy meeting you underneath me. I never did understand why someone perverted er, an INVERTED me and created you. You aren't worth much! WELL: You must have had your BELL rung! One of your allegedly famous applications is approximating a sampling distribution for certain hypothesis tests and the power curves for many of these tests are well, a WELL CURVE. BELL: Oh WELL, I forgot that! More critically, WELL, your central tenancy is all messed up. Neither your mean or median represents you. Only your modes at the extremes characterize you. My curve is neat and tidy with all those indices identical. That is a real BELL RINGER! WELL: WELL BELL, you are still living in the 18th and 19th centuries. You don't realize how distributions are changing. For example, the distribution of wealth is becoming WELL since the middle class is disappearing and only the extremely wealthy and the impoverished poor are increasing at the ends. Also, the approval ratings of elected officials is becoming WELL since feelings are polarized at the extremes with not much in the middle. I could go on and on. BELL: WELL, you are threatening the limits of my practical range! Maybe, we can talk again under more NORMAL circumstances. WELL: BELL you had your MOMENTS but we shall talk again. Meanwhile let us tell all statisticians to tie each set of our ends together and use the combined distributions as a CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT! Good Day!

148) 
Checking some questionnaires that had just been filled in, a census clerk was amazed to note that one of them contained figures 121 and 125 in the spaces for ":Age of Mother, if Living" and "Age of Father, if Living." "Surely your parents can't be as old as this?" asked the incredulous clerk. "Well no," was the answer, "But they would be IF LIVING!"

149 
A statistician is a professional who diligently collects facts and data and then carefully draws confusions about them.  Author unknown thank goodness!

150) 
My pain and confusion covary
